


i will carry it with me, oh lord

by gaiasash



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Grief, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-04-22
Packaged: 2019-04-26 04:52:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14394690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaiasash/pseuds/gaiasash
Summary: was it my fault?this is the worst thought. days and weeks and months after it is still the worst thought. it fills his mind like smoke until he can’t think, until he can’t breathe. it presses into his ribs like a vice.(todd remembers)





	i will carry it with me, oh lord

_was it my fault?_

 

this is the worst thought. days and weeks and months after it is still the worst thought. it fills his mind like smoke until he can’t think, until he can’t breathe. it presses into his ribs like a vice.

 

he thinks about telling someone. talking to someone. that maybe if he talks to someone the smoke will come pouring out of his mouth and he’ll be able to breathe again. but what could he possibly say? i _loved him. he loved me. i was stupid and selfish and weak and now he’s gone and there is no one left no one left no one left. it was my fault._ and what would they say back? if he’s lucky, maybe _i’m sorry. that must hurt._ if he’s not lucky? _what are you talking about? that’s disgusting._

 

_maybe he deserved to die, then._

 

so he doesn’t tell anyone. instead, he crowds the smoke out with memory.

 

that first night in the cave, _todd will take the minutes because he prefers not to read._ the way his eyes looked by flashlight. how he made every single word sound important.

 

him, hanging upside down off his bed, reading from a notebook. _maybe i should write a poem about you_ , he says, and laughs, and todd laughs too, praying it will cover the beat his heart just skipped. _for todd_ , he says, mock serious, and then he writes something down, and then something else, and then he sits up, and he’s muttering to himself, and then before he can say anything else knox is there asking a question about latin and he casually slips the notebook between his mattress and bedframe.

 

him, hurling a desk set into the river, the hardest todd has laughed in weeks. _you’ll get another one next year_ , he says. flowers take root in todd’s stomach and bloom in his lungs. his brain says _i have never known anyone like you before_ but his mouth says _thanks for that_. he has no idea what his eyes are saying but he hopes nobody else does either.

 

him, coming in late from play practice, trying to be quiet, tripping over something and cursing. _sorry_ , he says, and todd says _don’t worry_ , _i wasn’t sleeping_ , because it’s the truth, and besides, he’s too used to the steady sound of neil’s breathing in the room. he listens as neil kicks off his shoes and lies down, hands behind his head.

 

 _do you ever think_ , he says, _that there’s a reason why keating is here, and why i got cast in this play, and why they put us in the same room?_

 

 _i don’t know_ , says todd, _but i’m glad_. they both wait a minute, breathing in the dark.

 

 _yeah_ , says neil, finally, and then again, _yeah_. the second one makes todd wish for a split second that they weren’t in two twin beds ten feet apart, that he could run his hands through neil’s hair and feel the warmth of his breath. he settles for rolling onto his side and finding neil’s eyes in the dark, bright and unwavering.

 

him, the night before. on the roof, meeks’ radio blaring. todd, leaning out the window, says, _what are you doing_ , and when he’s met with no answer, he climbs out towards him. it’s the stupidest thing he’s ever done, just barely beating out sneaking off to a cave in the middle of the night to read poetry. he finds neil with his script in hand, legs sprawled out across the tile, eyes closed.

 

 _are you nervous?_ , todd asks.

 

_well, i guess kinda. not about the play. about everything else_

 

_why, what’s everything else?_

 

neil breathes in. _my father. a hell of a lot of expectations._

 

_well, what are you going to do about it?_

 

neil laughs, not his bright, infectious laugh but rueful and cold. todd hates it.

 

 _what the hell am i supposed to do? it’s not what i want. i want this. the play. the society. hellton_ . he pauses for a second. _you._

 

todd is glad neil’s eyes are closed, because he can feel every one of his cells igniting and combusting. the word _you_ ricochets in his skull, his chest, his stomach. he scrambles for a response.

 

_you could tell, him, you know. he wouldn’t be happy about it but you could make him listen._

 

 _how do you know? he doesn’t listen. or doesn’t care._ neil is silent. todd watches his chest rise and fall and rise.

 

_he’s your father. he has to._

 

 _he doesn’t! he can do whatever he wants and i just have to go along with it. he could pull me out of here and send me to some school where there’s no henley and no keating and no dead poets. and that’s all i’ve got._ todd inches closer to him, his brain full of _you. you. you._

 

_well, even if he did, i’d break you out. and forget medical school. we could go on the lam._

 

neil laughs his real laugh, the one that could light up any room. and todd thinks, _carpe diem_ , and he rests his hand on top of neil’s.

 

neil opens his eyes, but he doesn’t pull away. neither does todd. after a long, quiet minute, when todd wills himself to look at his face, he’s smiling a half smile, eyes bright.

 

maybe this is the worst part of the memory. those eyes. that half smile. he always seemed to be brimming with life, but in that second he was a supernova.

 

and the part that comes next. the part where todd says _neil, i-_ and neil puts a hand around his neck and closes the gap between them and kisses him, earnestly, really. flowers, cells, heart, brain, all of it is gone, and todd is left, todd and neil.

 

when they break apart, neil is smiling, hand still curled around the nape of todd’s neck, and so is todd. _i’ve wanted to do that for so long_ , says neil, and it’s all todd can do not to laugh or sob or whoop. instead, he lies down beside neil and with a final burst of courage, runs his fingers through neil’s hair. they stay like that for a long time, comfortably quiet, and todd thinks _this is the beginning._

 

and then the part after that, where neil goes off to get ready for the play and todd digs under his mattress until he finds the notebook. it’s there at the top of the page, _for todd_ , printed with a confident hand.

 

 _you remind me of a_ _~~bird~~ ~~tree~~ _ _house_

_the kind of house that could have_

_a hundred rooms and never feel empty_

_a thousand doors and never feel shut_

_a million windows and never feel cold_

 

and he smiles to himself, puts it back under the mattress, vows to tease neil about it later.

 

maybe that is the worst part of the memory. the plans he made for later. he was so ready to start, he didn’t think that would be it. the end. a book with one page. he was stupid, he should have seen, he should have known. he knew neil better than anyone, right?

 

and so days and weeks and months after he will go on remembering the boy he loved, the one who was so full of light and life, and thinking the worst thought.

  
_was it my fault?_

**Author's Note:**

> https://itunes.apple.com/us/playlist/the-worlds-first-unmanned-flying-desk-set/pl.u-LdbqE15sqxyNZX
> 
> here is a Link to the playlist that made me write this. history book in particular is good at making me cry about these two boys who were in love. its also the source for the title.
> 
> i am sorry about the lower case italic dialogue thing but i wrote most of this between 1 and 4 am and sometimes,,,,you gotta be on your bullshit. you understand.
> 
> oh and this is a reupload of something i put up in......march? new title! and a lot of the dialogue has been reworked, as i have since seen the film two more times and had it proofed by other people who have also seen it. it was very flowery before but not exactly in character. now i believe it is better.


End file.
